Make Daily Choices That Enhance Intimacy

One thing I found interesting in this chapter was the section titled “Make Daily Choices That Enhance Intimacy”. The reason I chose this section is because I personally tend to forget to pay attention to the decisions I make in my relationship on a daily basis. For instance, sometimes I’ll spend the whole day with my boyfriend upset about something that happened, either having to do with us or with something completely unrelated, and I forget that my decision to remain upset is affecting him and the quality of the time we’re spending with each other. Small things like that can have a really big impact on him, which I don’t always remember to take into consideration.

So now every day I try to focus on doing all kinds of little things that’ll make him happy or that will show him how much I really do care about him. I’ll randomly hold his hand, sneak up behind him and hug him, let him know that I miss him when he’s not there, and other things like that. I’ve noticed a HUGE difference in the time we spend with each other when I do things like that. The whole atmosphere with us is obviously much happier and we enjoy each other’s company so much more. :)

Marriage in 50 Years

I think that we’ll probably continue to see shared gender roles within marriages increase. As women become more assertive in society we’ll see a decrease in the need for more traditional gender roles in relationships and marriages. As a result there may be more stay at home dads, more women becoming the sole or main providers financially, and so forth.

One other change that we will most likely see in marriage is more acceptance and legalization of gay marriage. Our generation has grown up seeing the struggles made to get gay marriage legalized. We’ve also been more exposed to the idea of homosexuality in general and thus are becoming more comfortable with it. In 50 years I think (and hope) we’ll see full legalization of gay marriage and wider acceptance of all LGBT people.

Families

In my opinion, a family is a group of two or more people that typically would live with each other. I think there have to be children in order for the group to be considered a family, whether that means it’s a single parent, two heterosexual parents, or two homosexual parents.

I think that family members care about each other and support each other. The parents take care of the children emotionally, physically, and financially. The children are affectionate and respectful either overtly or covertly. Family members should be able to confide in one another or at least with one specific family member.

Styles of Loving

One of the most interesting concepts from this chapter to me was the idea of "styles of loving". There are six styles of loving, three primary, and three secondary.
The primary styles are:
Eros - dramatic, passionate love
Ludus - playful love
Storge - comfortable, stable love

The secondary styles are:
Pragma - a combination of Ludus and Storge, practical love
Mania - a combination of Eros and Ludus, manic, unsure love
Agape - a combination of Storge and Eros, selfless, passionate love

The reason I found this so fascinating was because I had never thought to put the different ways people love each other into categories. It made so much more sense once each type of love had a title. Also, as I was reading I was trying to categorize myself into one of the types, but then after describing the styles Wood mentioned at that we all tend to have combinations of styles and that they can change based on our experiences. This totally opened my eyes to the complexity and subtlety of love and loving. After thinking back on my past relationships, I found that Wood was completely right. I found that the styles I've experienced are Eros, Storge, and Mania, with some touches of Ludus and Pragma. I was amazed by how inconstant we are with the way we love. Overall, this was a compelling, fascinating concept for me :)

Commitment and Love

Personally, I've never experienced a relationship that had commitment but not love. However, there was a relationship (if you can even call it that) where I was very much in love with a guy and was completely committed to making it work, but he didn't see "us" the same way I did. We liked each other a lot and I eventually fell in love with him, although I'm not sure if he ever really loved me. He was hung up on his last girlfriend and would keep telling me that he just needed a little more time before he would be able to be in a relationship again. He led me on with that same line for almost an entire year, and I was so blinded by my feelings and devotion that I never realized he had no intention of committing to me. I eventually came to see that we were never going to work out and severed ties with him, although it was incredibly hard to let go. Even though that experience was over 3 years ago it still hurts to think about it because I put my faith in him that he would come through and he completely shattered it.
Conversely, I have experienced a couple relationships that had love but no commitment. One of them was with my last boyfriend, who I dated for about 5 months during my junior year of high school. We loved each other very much but neither of us were really committed to making it a long term relationship. There would be talk of future plans but never anything too far into the future. Whenever the topic of college came up we tried to avoid it. We never said things like, "We should do this next Christmas," or anything that implied being together for longer than a few months. Although the end of our relationship was technically because he cheated on me, I believe that this lack of commitment was probably what led to him being unfaithful in the first place. He couldn't see our relationship lasting that long and therefore probably had less of a problem with doing something that could cause the end of our relationship.
These two relationships were incredibly hurtful and frustrating for me and caused me to lose faith in relationships for quite some time. Any time I was interested in somebody I would get this nagging thought in the back of my head that they would eventually just betray me. Eventually I met my current boyfriend though, and after a very gradual and steady process of learning to trust him I've come to see that not all relationships go wrong and that sometimes you just need to wait it out, and test the waters before you go and jump right in.

Misrepresentation Online

I believe it is easier for people to misrepresent themselves in online relationships than it is in a face-to-face relationship. Someone could easily say that they are tall with straight blond hair and green eyes when in reality they are short with curly brown hair and brown eyes. It's as simple as typing it out, and some people even go so far as to find pictures of people online that resemble what they are describing themselves as and use those pictures as their own in order to further deceive others. This is highly unethical in my opinion and completely defeats the purpose of being in any sort of relationship in the first place. If you are not portraying yourself accurately then it's as if you are not really the one in the relationship.
Having said this, I do think that there are people in face-to-face relationship that can manipulate and deceive other people. These deceptions are just different from what you might see in an online relationship. For instance, instead of lying about their appearance (which would be pretty much impossible), someone might lie about their income, or perhaps their social standing. While the possibilities for people to misrepresent themselves in relationships differs between in-person and online interactions, the deception harms the relationship regardless.

Describe a Very Close Friendship

One of my closest friends, whom I'll refer to as "Clara", has been one of my greatest, yet most difficult friendships. We started off as complete strangers, we were both new on my high school's field hockey team and we were all playing an ice-breaker game where we would say our name accompanied with some kind of motion like a dance move or a hand gesture so that our teammates could remember us a little more easily. She made a heart sign with her hands and I did the disco. Later during that practice we were lining up to run some laps and I noticed she was standing next to me, so I said "Hi Clara," while making the same heart sign she had made. She responded by saying "Hi Allison," as she did the disco. This was the first time we had acknowledged each other on an "I-You" level.
After that encounter Clara and I became running buddies and then shortly after became practice buddies. Whenever we needed to pair up to do something it would always be me and Clara. We started to build closeness, chatting each other up while we played field hockey. We gained each other's trust as teammates, knowing we would always have the other's back. We supported each other when we were benched for entire games, and encouraged each other while we were on the field.
Eventually we started hanging out during lunch breaks and meeting in between classes. When her birthday came around I bought her a cupcake and a balloon, brought them to school for her, and when lunch came I lit the candle on top of the cupcake for her so she could make a wish. In return she painted me a beautiful painting of a sunflower for me on my birthday, because she knew they were my favorite.
Investment after investment, Clara and I grew closer and closer until there wasn't a single thing we couldn't talk to each other about. We had regular sleep overs and after field hockey season was over, the time after school we would have spent practicing was then spent with each other doing random activities. We even started calling each other "twin" because we became so close we were practically sisters.
The biggest strain on our friendship has been the distance between us since I moved to San Jose to go to school. She stayed in our hometown and I miss her like crazy. I would say that for the most part our friendship is consistent with the dynamics of friendship described in the chapter. We invest in each other, we are emotionally close, we accept one another completely, trust each other, and support each other no matter what. Our friendship was a gradual process and is now very strong. Although we do experience the pressure of being far apart we make up for it by talking often and keeping in touch as much as possible.

...Sorry for practically writing a novel on this one..haha

Challenges in Friendship

One of the topics in the advice forum was "More That Friends? What should you do when you have romantic feelings for a friend?". I had trouble finding any threads that weren't some sort of ad for a purse or boots (which was rather strange), but I did find a poem that exemplifies the turmoil of the heart that results from unrequited love in a friendship.

For You, My Love.
by Ryan Putland

Never will I understand,
Why my love, denies my hand.
What pain, what suffering have you endured?
With my help, can you be cured?

My thoughts, my dreams, you're always there,
When will you see how much I care?
Such little time I've spent with you,
Enough to know my love is true.

The further you drift away from me,
The more I feel I'll never be free.
Perhaps I should just let you go,
Your love maybe, I should not know?

My love and friendship is always here,
And if you should ever shed a tear,
My arms are here to hold you tight,
For I will always be your light.

Wood explains that "sexual undertones may ripple beneath the surface of friendships" (pg. 262) but that there are ways to effectively confront this type of tension within a friendship. First of all, it is important to use I language to make sure that we are taking full responsibility for our emotions. Second, we must listen sensitively and communicate supportively in order to keep the friendship intact.
From my own experiences, I've noticed that, more often than not, when sexual tension arises in a friendship in can either blossom into a wonderful relationship, or completely ruin the friendship due to the fact that one friend typically has feelings while the other doesn't. The reason this tends to lead to a failing friendship is that the friend that has the feelings can no longer remain satisfied with the relationship staying at a "friend" level. Their needs end up exceeding what the friend that doesn't have any feelings for the other can meet.